Kirstie Alley: The Great White Hope

"If someone told me to haul ass, it would take two trips." -Kirstie Alley

By Aphrodite M.

If anyone has made “Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger and Richards look like droopy-eyed armless children,” it’s Kirstie Alley and her killer career instinct to never say die. Alley’s wizard-like magic in career resurrection or resuscitation, since she’s never too far out of the spotlight, will make even Charlie Sheen concede she’s “bi-winning!” Just when it seems Alley might disappear into a Where Are They Now? celebrity graveyard, she re-appears center stage in a full-figured flurry of sass and sequins.

Alley has always had a knack for staying relevant and using her sense of humor to ingratiate herself with her critics. She’s aware of her  so-called weaknesses and she plays to them. She takes anything negative one could say about her and wears it as a badge of honor. That is the sheer genius talent which puts Alley head and shoulders above the competition.

Kirstie Alley’s appearance on Dancing With the Stars (DWTS) could’ve been written off as one of those over-hyped and over-watched TV events that usually come to an anti-climactic end. Of course, if not over-hyped, why else would everyone watch and then clamor on online social networks and message boards pretending the event was nearly as exciting as the network fooled  everyone into thinking? Viewers fall for it every time but this time the show’s unofficial star, Kirstie Alley, delivered.

Alley’s participation in DWTS is really the story of her career because, as the saying goes, “how you do anything is how you do everything.” She is the great white hope. A woman who faces adversity (in this case, media cruelty and weight struggles) head on. The media tried countless times to shame her with pictures of pigging out or looking less than glamorous and what did Alley do? Not only did she not become a recluse, she created and starred in a Showtime series called Fat Actress.

Then, she went on Oprah in a bikini and a pair of support hose (with an exceedingly long silk sarong trailing behind her) and gave us all an unabashed peep show. Later she would chide herself for the 2006 event on  Larry King Live. Alley magically manages to throw the trash talk back in everyone’s face while, with a facetious flip of her butt-camouflaging silk sarong, she diffuses the harpies in the fat and fashion police bureaus.

All was quiet on the Alley front for a while, but after her failed weight loss as a Jenny Craig spokeswoman she tried her hand at reality TV in 2010 with Kirstie Alley’s Big Life. She launched an organic weight loss product and then decided to wow us all with her dancing prowess on season 12 of DWTS.

Alley’s premier dance performance was a moment the audience wanted to cheer for. They were rooting for her because not only is she interesting to watch, but she is a survivor and in on the joke right along with the audience. She gets it and they love her for being so self-aware and aware of public opinion.

Alley never once wanted anyone to feel sorry for her or judge her solely on her exterior. Although funny and in on the joke, she never allowed herself to be the butt of it. Reportedly, she demanded the show’s producers pair her with one of the hottest dancers on the show and made sure to give it a real shot. Alley took her performance very seriously and under all the laughs and poking fun, the hard work showed. That’s why she deserves her accolades more than most.

Admittedly, if one was to dismiss Alley’s size and judge her against the other contestants, her performance certainly was nowhere near the worst but it also wasn’t the most technique rich. In essence, though, one can’t completely overlook her size. Her size is what makes her ability to move so effortlessly and smoothly so amazing. Otherwise, the viewers would all wonder, where are the lifts and twirls and flips and leaps from the rafters?!

Surely more surprises are in store from this keen contestant. Alley has mastered the fame machine. She’ll keep cranking it until the crank falls off and she throws the handle at her critics, daring the shallow, hypocritical turncoats to give her another opportunity to resuscitate and reinvent her career.

As featured on Picktainment.